How is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Because an elephant carries his trunk, but a snail carries his house!
Lucy Standbridge - United Kingdom
rec.:Aug/5/2012 pub.:May/28/2013 sent:Jun/6/2013
3.54 / 26
A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake.
The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away.
He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.
Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going.
"Well" the neighbor says, "not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."
(Whew!) "Well, that does not sound too bad."
"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."
"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."
"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this: Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."
Barry Foster - Indianapolis - Indiana - USA.
3.50 / 26
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats donít hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You donít understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats arenít like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Iím Josephineís parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!
John Teixeira - Barueri - S„o Paulo - Brazil
3.10 / 39
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.†
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.†
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.†
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)†
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.†
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.†
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.†
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops!†
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.†
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.†
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.†
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.†
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)†
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.†
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.†
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.†
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).†
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.†
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.†
rec.:Apr/22/2000 pub.:Apr/22/2000 sent:Apr/22/2000