Category: Animal Jokes

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Ranking: 3.10 / 39
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 
18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 
Thanks to: Anonymous
rec.:Apr/22/2000    pub.:Apr/22/2000    sent:Apr/22/2000

Ranking: 2.53 / 85
Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Jun/22/2007    pub.:Jun/22/2007    sent:Aug/14/2007

Ranking: 2.56 / 81
On your left are 3 Ostriches. On your right is a herd of gazelles being chased by a lion.
In front of you are 4 deer. Behind you are 5 stampeding horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the Merry-Go-Round!
Thanks to: Kristen - USA.
rec.:Apr/30/2008    pub.:May/14/2008    sent:Jun/4/2008

Ranking: 2.98 / 43
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
Thanks to: Ann Oberholz
rec.:Jan/24/2001    pub.:Jan/24/2001    sent:Jan/24/2001

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