Category: Animal Jokes



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Ranking: 2.94 / 54
This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????” she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???” screamed the teacher. "I pissed in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move????” she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"
#9126    
Thanks to: Anonymous - Des Moines - Iowa - USA.
rec.:Apr/18/2003    pub.:May/27/2003


Ranking: 3.56 / 27
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!
#23861    
Thanks to: John Teixeira - Barueri - São Paulo - Brazil
rec.:Dec/27/2013    pub.:Jan/24/2014


Ranking: 3.46 / 28
How is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Because an elephant carries his trunk, but a snail carries his house!
#22998    
Thanks to: Lucy Standbridge - United Kingdom
rec.:Aug/5/2012    pub.:May/28/2013    sent:Jun/6/2013


Ranking: 3.10 / 39
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 
18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 
#646    
Thanks to: Anonymous
rec.:Apr/22/2000    pub.:Apr/22/2000    sent:Apr/22/2000


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