Category: Miscellaneous Jokes



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Ranking: 3.07 / 43
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper.†
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.†
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."†
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"†
#585    
Thanks to: Simple Sentiments - Florida - USA.
rec.:Feb/15/2000    pub.:Feb/15/2000    sent:Feb/15/2000


Ranking: 2.90 / 51
There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word Ė itís ďUP.Ē Itís easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you donít give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it doesnít rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but Iíll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so Iíll shut UP.
#13618    
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Jun/22/2004    pub.:Jun/22/2004    sent:Jul/3/2004


Ranking: 2.37 / 123
A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet. Inside, a message reads: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
#82    
Thanks to: Pauline
rec.:Jun/26/1998    pub.:Jun/26/1998    sent:Dec/11/2001


Ranking: 3.20 / 35
Angus and Jack were two old Inibrians. Angus was dying and asked Jack, "When I am gone Jack, for old times sake, will you pour a bottle of whisky over my grave?" Jack replied, "Sure, I'll do that as long as you don't mind if it goes through my kidneys first."
#1069    
Thanks to: Toogoom - Queensland - Australia
rec.:Jun/26/2001    pub.:Jun/26/2001    sent:Jun/26/2001


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