Ranking: 3.64 / 165
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.
Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Thanks to: Mark O - USA.
rec.:Sep/24/1999 pub.:Sep/24/1999 sent:Feb/27/2012
Ranking: 3.52 / 193
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
Thanks to: Red Angel - NSW - Australia
rec.:Jul/6/2001 pub.:Jul/6/2001 sent:Mar/2/2012
Ranking: 3.83 / 123
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."
Thanks to: brad quinn - USA.
Ranking: 3.64 / 150
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"
Thanks to: Ehryn Blacker - Azerbaijan
rec.:Jan/21/2002 pub.:Mar/6/2002 sent:Aug/16/2012