Category: Miscellaneous Jokes



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Ranking: 3.52 / 182
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.
Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
#450    
Thanks to: Mark O - USA.
rec.:Sep/24/1999    pub.:Sep/24/1999    sent:Oct/2/2014


Ranking: 3.85 / 110
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
#20001    
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Mar/30/2009    pub.:Mar/30/2009    sent:Nov/7/2012


Ranking: 4.21 / 73
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic
Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The
Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our
Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist
Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
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Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
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Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
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Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
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Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
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Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
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Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
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New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
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New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
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North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
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North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
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Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
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Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
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Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
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Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
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South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
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South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
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Tennessee: The Educashun State
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Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
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Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
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Vermont: Yep
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Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
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Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
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Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
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West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
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Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
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Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
#8388    
Thanks to: Katie B - Broken Arrow, - OK - USA.
rec.:Mar/12/2003    pub.:May/27/2003


Ranking: 3.74 / 123
This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believe he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night along with the same statement. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”
#18240    
Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Jul/27/2007    pub.:Jul/27/2007    sent:Jun/15/2012


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