A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches.
The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.
"I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."
Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$30 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"