An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.
Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I can't chew look I have no teeth."
Driver: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old lady: "I just love the chocolates around them."
My Grandma's sense of humor has always been her strongest attribute.
She was mugged a few years ago, unfortunately. As the young punk held her up and demanded all her money, she said, "I don't have any money."
"I don't believe you! I'm gonna search you! " he sneered. So he started patting her down all over really well.
"I guess you don't have any money..." he said disappointed.
"I told you," my Grandma replied. "But if you do that again, I'll write you a check!"
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.