I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"