A man and his wife had been arguing all day. As evening approached, they decided it would be best if they didn't speak for a while.
The evening passes and as they are reading themselves for bed, the husband remembers that he has an early morning meeting. Not wanting to be the first to break their silence, he writes a note, asking his wife to wake him at 6 AM, then leaves it on her makeup table where she is certain to see it.
He goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing that when she woke him, she wold speak first and loose the argument.
He wakes in the morning and is angered to see that it is after 9. He stalks to his wife's makeup table to see if she had seen his note.
Next to the note he had written was a note she wrote. It said, "Wake up!"
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jeweler their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a crap, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.
The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.