A man crosses the road from a hospital and enters a bar and immediately asks for three treble whiskeys and a beer.
The barman pours the drinks and the man swallows each whiskey in one swallow.
The barman is alarmed by this and expresses his concern only for the man to reply, ”IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE THEN YOU WOULD BE KNOCKING THE DRINKS BACK TOO!”
The barman places the beer on the counter and watches the man chug down the brew and asks sympathetically, “what have you got?”
The man places the empty glass down and replies “an empty wallet.”
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.
“I eat moderately,” she replied, “I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, and I live moderately.”
“Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked.
“Yes,” she said, “I lie extensively.”