I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz.
One day he bragged to me that, "Everyone knows Sam Katz!"
I said, "You don't know the president of the United States." He said , "Let's go to the White House and I'll prove it."
So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, "Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?"
After all the greetings I said, "You don't know Queen Elizabeth."
He said, "Let's go to Buckingham Palace and I'll prove it."
So we go there and the Queen says "Sam Katz, so good to see you again!"
After the greetings I said to him, "Okay. One last person, you don't know the pope."
He said, "Let's go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we'll come outside by the window and wave to you."
So that's exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint.
My friend asked me, "What happened to you? I tell him, "It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked, "Who's the guy with Sam Katz?" I completely lost it.
A few years I got tired of the city life and bought a little cabin In the remote mountains of Alaska. It was a long winter, but made it thru it.
One day I heard a knock at my door I opened it and there stood a big burly guy. He said he lived over the mountain and had seen my smoke. He said he is throwing a spring party over at his cabin. He said it will be tomorrow and asked me if I wanted to come?
I said ya, its been a long winter,
He said There would be a lot of drinking,
I said I like to drink.
Also there will probably be some fighting,
I said I could hold my own.
Then he said, oh, there will be a lot of sex,
I said wow, Its been a long time for me.
He said see you tomorrow and started to walk off.
I said what time should I be there?
He said, it doesn't matter, There's only going to be you and me!
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
* And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.