It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', one of my best friends would still be alive.

Jessie is telling Sam about the new mechanic in the neighborhood.

"I'm telling you Sam, that's a mechanic you can trust!"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, I thought he was going to charge me a lot of money for a lot of made up repairs, but he didn't. He only charged me for changing the light blinker fluid."

The pope is early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Please wait here," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope is his driver."

When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."