After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god...

I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane. When he jumped there was good and bad news....

Good news: He had a parachute.

Bad News: It didnt work.

Good News: There was a haystack down below.

Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.

Good News: He missed the pitchfork.

Bad News: He missed the haystack.

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.

One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.