Latest Jokes

I asked my therapist what I could do about my fear of hugging.

She said, "Embrace it."

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.

Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself."

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can