I called the Doctor this week. I said, "Doctor, I think my wife is dead."

He replied, "What makes you think that?"

I said, "Well, the sex hasn't changed, but the dishes are building up."

Flights with Aer Lingus to USA from Dublin for £50.
Use of the toilet £300.

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
Because they'd look silly with 6 inches.

A man walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder.
Barman: What's that ?
Man: It's a Newt.
Barman: What do you call him ?
Man: Tiny.
Barman: Why
Man: Because he's my newt.