An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.

He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.

After struggling for many hours deep within the forest
of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.

Q: What can you put your money into that is sure to go up?
A: Taxes

Q: What is sure confidence?
A: Solving crossword puzzles with a fountain pen.