My last name is Pines.

My parents named me Phillip.

I've never forgiven them for that.

And no, I've NEVER been there!

Sign I want on the side of my coffin...

"Don't take life too seriously. Now this, THIS is serious!"

I can spot an innie and an outie belly button on the beach from a mile away. ..

That's because I graduated with honors from the U.S Navel Academy.

I applied for a position as a magicians assistant, laying on the table as he cuts me in half with a giant saw.

I figured it's a job I could really get in-two.