My best friend is a real dunce. He just got fired from his job.

He told his boss he was too tired to go into work last night.

He's a mattress tester!

Ms. Frayed-end and Mr. Knot were having an argument about their relationship.
Ms. Frayed-end: "Why don't you ever call me anymore?"

Mr. Knot: "That goes both ways. You never call me either!"

Ms. Frayed-end: "We're not supposed to do the calling. You are!"

Mr. Knot: "Sez who? This is ridiculous. You get me so mad I'm fit to be tied!"
Ms. Frayed-end: "Oh yeah? Well I'm at the end of my rope!"

When Mr. Ed retired from television, he got a job as a telephone psychic. Mary was having relationship problems, called in, and got advice from the old stallion.

Arriving home, she confronted her husband, accusing him of having an affair.

"Where in the world did you get that idea?" he asked.

"I got it from the horse's mouth!"

I notice a lot of people at funerals will say something like, "It's a shame his life had to end so early."

So, I started saying the same thing at weddings.