Patient: I keep dreaming about monkeys. Every night, nothing but monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

Psychiatrist: How does that make you feel?

Patient: If you give me a banana, I'll tell you.

The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg's shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight's performance.

"You'd better tell Stanislaus," Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus' dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. "Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won't be doing your act tonight."

"Why not?"

"You don't have Oleg to stand on!"

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses, you could get sued...

Instead, try hitting him with paper cups...

It won't hurt him, but at least you made your point.

Stand-Up Comedian: "You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only."

Stand-Up Comedian's Friend: "Oh yeah? You were that good?"

Stand-Up Comedian: "That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before."