A panhandler who was new to the business asked the advice of an old pro who has worked the streets for years. After hours of intensive training the old pro was ready to send the tenderfoot out. "Don't forget what I taught you, Frank," Bob told him.

They walked to the corner of a busy street. "Go get 'em, Frankie boy. Here comes a guy who looks like he's got some dough."

Frank walks up to the man and immediately starts his routine. "Hey man, got a quarter for a cup of coffee?"
"No."
"How about a dollar for a Mickey D's? C'mon man, I'm hungry!"
"I said no!"
"Then how about letting me use your credit card for some clothes??"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Can I borrow your car to visit my sick mama?"
"Get lost!
"Then just let me stay at your house until I get back on my feet."
"I'm calling 911!"

Dejected, Frank walks back over to Bob and asked him what he did wrong. "You violated the number one rule of begging," Bob told him.

"What's that?"

"Don't put all your begs in one ask-it!"

A twice married and divorced well-to-do business man named Ralph felt he finally found his soul mate in a woman half his age. Betty, his new wife, was pretty, dirty blond hair, and not all that bright, but Ralph didn't care. He would do anything to make her happy, and on Betty's birthday he called her out to the front yard.

"Happy Birthday!" he shouted as he proudly showed off Betty's gift, an immaculate 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air 2 door hard top classic car.

"Wow!" Betty exclaimed. "That's a really ancient looking car. It must be more than 20 years old!"

"Try 50! Honeybunch, I have a business trip to go on. This car will make you a ton of money. There's a bunch of events coming up in Johnson County and when I get back, I bet you're gonna make me a happy man when I find out how well you did."

Ralph left on his trip, and upon his return, as he was driving up the block to his house, he noticed a tow truck in his driveway. Pulling up he saw his dear old classic car on the truck bed, smashed to smithereens. Running into the house, he yelled for Betty.

"What in the world happened to your car?"

"I won first prize, $1000, that's what happened," Betty replied.

"First prize, where?" Ralph asked astonishingly.

"At the Johnson County Demolition Derby!"

Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking cow Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking cow."

Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"

"Moooooo….." said Bessie.

"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."

"Moooooo….." said Bessie.

"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"

"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.

"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"

"You, sir, are an idiot! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"

Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"

Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"