A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

My paper got ripped earlier...

I'm still torn up about it!

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got back were icy stares.

For years, the fad dieter ate everything with prickly pears... now he eats everything with sorghums.