There are two girls in a car driving down a steep hill. All of a sudden the driver realizes that the brakes are not working.

She tells the passenger that the brakes don't work and they will soon drive off the side of the cliff, as she can't stop at all.

The passenger then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

A man went to his lawyer and asked him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?"

The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."

"Great, but why the wooden leg?"

"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."

"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"

"Well when you have a pig that smart, you don't eat it all at once!"

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.

"What are you doing these days?"

"PhD."

"Wow! You're a doctor!"

"No, Pizza Home Delivery."