I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”

They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.

He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says, "Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."

"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

Q: "How many grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?"

A: "None. I'll sit in the dark. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me..."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations...

On a door: "Push. If that doesn't work, pull. If that doesn't work, we must be closed."

Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."

Outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also."

In a store: "Prices subject to change according to customer's attitude."

Next to a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'p' in it. Let's keep it that way."