I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .

She leaned over and pushed me!

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant, Sir!"

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say...

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."