- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- The best looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers...

- He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
- Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
- Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
- Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
- The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
- He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
- It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
- The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
- He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!”

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"