A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second baby, my husband and I traveled to the Air Force base where they were stationed so we would be able to take care of their first daughter when the new baby was born.

We arrived at their house in the evening and little Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all goodnight and scampered down the hallway.

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his rather portly stomach and announced quite matter-of-factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the farmer calls and says he’s taken care of the problem.

The sheriff is curious to see how. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"