Jim, a fireman came home from work one day and told Barb, his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firestation.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the poll
Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, i want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night Jim came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" Barb promptly took all her clothes off. When Jim yelled, "Bell 2!" Barb jumped into bed. When Jim yelled, "Bell 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes Barb yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked Jim.

"Roll out more hose!", Barb replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!"

Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.