As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smarty when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Finally, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________________________

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request
for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of
our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate, which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you.

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the
future.

Sincerely,


The Tooth Fairy