A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs!"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment!"

A Latin man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can’t find what he’s looking for and he doesn’t know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, “Tienes calcetines?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” the salesperson says.

The guy tries again. “Medias?” he asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section. “No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines,” he says.

And so it goes for nearly 30 minutes. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section.
The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, “Eso sí que es!”

The salesperson’s jaw drops and he says, “Well, why didn’t you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it?"

"Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes.

Man: "I have two final wishes."

Friend: "What are they?"

Man: "First, I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land."

Friend: "And second?"

Man: "Second, I don't want to be cremated."