My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five," answered Felix.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?”

Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”

- If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"

After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"