Two men are sitting at a bar when one of the men stops drinking and says "MY WIFE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL".
The other man turns to him an says " YOUR LUCKY MINE'S STILL ALIVE"

A man crosses the road from a hospital and enters a bar and immediately asks for three whiskey shots and a beer. The barman pours the drinks and the man swallows each whiskey in one swallow.

The barman is alarmed by this and expresses his concern, only for the man to reply, ”IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE THEN YOU WOULD BE KNOCKING THE DRINKS BACK TOO!”

The barman places the beer on the counter and watches the man chug down the brew and asks sympathetically, “What have you got?”

The man places the empty glass down and replies, “An empty wallet.”

Jesus walks into a hotel and places several nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night."

An Old man sits on a park bench crying when a passer by stops to give the man some comfort.
Looking at the old man he says “you look familiar, wait you are that lottery winner who won over a hundred million”
“Yes that me “replied the old man.
“But you own a yacht and a massive house and didn’t you marry that nymphomaniac blond starlet” he asks.
“Yes that’s all true” said the old man.
“So why are you crying” he asks.
“Because I have forgotten where I live!”