Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the eighty-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty-year-old.

"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6 AM. I usually pee like a racehorse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy-year-old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves.

He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves.

He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six."

The man leaves, and the barber says to another man, "Follow that man and see where he goes!"

The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"