A preacher was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with, because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap, as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th, the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot! But I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

"Well, I do! Here, help me out!"

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40.

A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”