John: How do you get out of doing all the chores your wife wants done?

Fred: It's simple. My motto is, 'Why put off until tomorrow what you don't have to do at all.'

Two soldiers were watching the night sky in Afghanistan when a shooting star came into view. One soldier said, "Look, it's an omen. Something bad is about to happen."

The other one looked and said, "I'm not superstitious. That is not an omen."

In the next instant the shooting star, about the size of a car, crashed to earth landing on top of the soldier. In great pain he slowly crawled out from under the meteorite and said, "Okay, wow... now that's an omen!"

John left his twin twelve year old boys in the car while he went into a store. While there he spotted a vender selling ice cream cones. He bought one chocolate and one vanilla for the boys.

When he got back to the car he asked them which one they wanted. The boys looked at the ice cream cones for a few seconds trying to decide.

A sly grin came across one boys face. He pointed to his brother and said, "I want his!"