To win a coin toss every single time...

Call out, "Heads I win, Tails you lose!"

I once applied to a medical school but was declined.

The Dean said my handwriting was too legible.

One morning, in basic training, the drill sergeant came out and said he needed a volunteer for KP duty in the mess hall. After a minute of silence he pointed to a recruit and said, "You Volunteered!"

Panicking, the recruit said, "I didn't volunteer..."

The drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Were you drafted?"

"No, sir."

The drill sergeant smiled at him and said, "That's right! Therefore you volunteered."

John: What did the bug say to the windshield when he crashed into it?

Fred: I don't know. what?

John: That's me all over you! And do you know what the windshield said to the bug?

Fred: I don't know.

John: Bet you don't have the guts to do that again! Okay, do you know what was the last thing that went through the bugs mind when he hit the windshield?

Fred: No, but I bet it's good.

John: His rear end.