Those who aspire toward universal good may dream a hero’s death...

However, statistically speaking there’s a better chance they’ll choke and be taken out by a chicken nugget.

Grumpy Old Man to his wife: "Why didn't any of the books I donated sell at the church rummage sale?"

His wife: "I'm thinking it may have gone better if you hadn't torn out the pages you didn't like."

Why did a budget Airlines that only has late evening flights go out of business?

Word got out it was a fly by night outfit.

What does "The Devil is in the details" mean?

It means the government just passed the budget.