Husband: Amazon has everything under the sun.

Wife: Can you order a couple of grandchildren for me. Our two boys will never get married; they're too busy chasing girls and they're not getting any younger.

Husband: There may be a way?

Wife: (Rolls her eyes)

Two days later a package comes in the mail.

Wife: A package just arrived and it has two DNA test kits in it. What good are DNA kits to a mother who wants to become a grandmother?

Husband: You might be surprised!

Bob and Marge had friends over for card night. The guys played poker while the ladies played bridge in a different room down the hall. The guys were talking about the part time jobs they had during college. After everyone except Bob had told their stories all eyes were on him.

Bob leaned in and whispered, “Marge doesn’t like it when I tell people this but I was a model back in college. There was a time when the image of my face was seen by millions across America on a daily basis. Marge thinks my sharing of this story is unwarranted boast and I should keep it to myself.”

Just then Marge piped in from other room... “You had one modeling job Bob and that’s only because your high school buddy invented the bobble head!”

My friends and I were doing Tequila shooters last night and decided to take a cab to the Standup Comedy Club for open mic night.

My friends encouraged me to get up on the stage and give it a try so I did. The people were in hysterics, everyone in the place was cracking up making sure to point me out to their friends.

When I got up this morning things were a bit hazy but I do remember how I brought the house down last night at the comedy club. A sense of pride was coming over me until my friend just called and told me we had reservations for the comedy club tonight.

I told him we went there last night and he laughed. He said they were booked last night so all of us went over to that new Karaoke place across town.

Teacher: Johnny, what is a protagonist?

Little Johnny: It’s when you’re playing tag with kids from another neighborhood and they bring in a ringer... they're a Pro-Tagonist.