My lawnmower seized up so I took it to the dump and was told it would cost fifty bucks to recycle it. I didn't have the fifty so I brought it back home.

Later that night I got a bright idea so I put the lawnmower in the front yard by the road thinking someone might steal it.

Low and behold the next morning the mower was gone, my plan had worked. Couldn't help but brag to my wife about my brilliant idea.

My gloating only lasted one day. The next morning the mower had been returned minus the carburetor and the wheels.

My wife hasn't had a headache since her strict adherence to modern health standards...

I'm onboard with being part of the solution, but I sure wish they'd loosen up on that social distancing thing.

Little Johnny raised his hand in class. The teacher asked, “Do you have a question Little Johnny?”

Little Johnny replied, “What time IT IS?”

The teacher then replied slowly and clearly, “What time IS IT...”

With a puzzled look on his face Little Johnny said, “If I knew that I wouldn’t have asked you.”

Teacher: Little Johnny, why is the wall in China referred to as the "Great Wall?"

Little Johnny: Because the word "Swell" just didn't quite do it.