When I got married twenty years ago my father advised me to keep a journal of the things which were important to my wife.

I did this and boy has it come in handy. Just the other day she asked, "How many times do I need to tell you that?"

I looked it up and sure enough 14 years ago she casually mentioned it to me. I'm advising my son to memorize his journal.

I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said, "Well, there goes your advertising claim."

He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!"

"What if I don't pay you?" I asked.

"I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!"

I said, "Okay then, what do I owe you?"

His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350."

"What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know.

His answer... "The advice I just gave you."

I asked my doctor why it scratched the skin on the back of my hand when the dog pawed it.

He told me when you get older your skin gets thinner.

Happy to know this... it explains a lot about my disposition too.

I'm trying to eat healthy so I'm making some "whole grain" oatmeal cookies. I don't like raisins so I'm substituting them for M&M's.

I think their about the same thing, they both came from plants, right?!?!