The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar, ”What'll you have?

The guy answered, ”A scotch, please.”

The bartender handed him the drink and said, ”That’ll be $5.”

The guy said, “What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender, ”You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy, ”Okay, I'll let you off this time, but don't ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.”

The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I never been in this place in my life.”

Fearing that he made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”

The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”

A customer walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a pint of less, please.”

“Less?” queried the bartender. “What’s that?”

“I don’t know either,” said the customer, “but my doctor told me to drink less.”

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender said: “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff.”

“Just call me Hoff,” said the actor.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Two aliens were strolling around a small town in the US when they had a sudden urge to taste some Earth food. Having no Earth currency, they decided to steal two chocolate bars from a shop. So they walked into the shop and when they thought the shopkeeper wasn’t looking, they slipped the chocolate bars into the pockets of their space suits and hurriedly left.

But they had only gone a few yards when they heard the shopkeeper shout, “Hey! You haven’t paid for those!”

They ran back to their mothership as fast as their alien legs would carry them and just managed to climb through the doors of the craft before the shopkeeper could catch them. In the sanctuary of the craft, one of the young aliens turned breathlessly to the other and said, “I don’t know how that shopkeeper saw us stealing.”

“Me neither,” said the other. “He must have eyes in the front of his head.”