”Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!”

”Keep it down, sir, or everyone will want one.”

A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”

“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”

Wikipedia: “I know everything.”

Google: “I have everything.”

Facebook: “I know everybody.”

Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.”

Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”

Why is 'o' the noisiest vowel?

Because all the others are in audible.