When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.

The girlfriend stands by door, not sure what to say. “Honey, why is your whole upper half covered in baby oil?”

“Well, you’re always saying I never glisten,” replies the boyfriend.

“Listen! I said you never LISTEN!”

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.

He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working."

I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids...

It’s SPF 80...

That means you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.