At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"

A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a cow started climbing up the tree. Surprised to see a climbing cow the squirrel asked the newcomer, "What the heck are you doing here?"

The cow replied, "I thought I'd eat some oranges."

"But this is an apple tree."

"I know. I brought my own."

I do not believe in diets. The closest I've been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.