One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, "I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman."

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, "Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding. The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."

The Cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"

"Yeah."

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!"

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

She said, “How flexible are you?”

I replied, “I'm pretty flexible, but I can’t make Tuesdays.”