Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, "Who’s funeral is this?"

The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”

Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”

"This is the dog that killed her.”

So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?”

He responds, “Get in line!”

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey again nodded up and down.

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. "Now wait, you're saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" asked the officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey, emphatically.

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.