A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

"We don't get too many apes in here," he says.

The gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm not surprised."

A mother was visiting her son on an Army base, and chatted with a colleague of his.

"What rank are you?" she asked.

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."

"Why relieved?"

"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.

"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."

"We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."