"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me?"

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied, "bring it right in."

A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.

"Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."

She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"

A customer in a New York restaurant gushed to the chef, "Your veal parmigiana is superb! I spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"