Why do grasshoppers not go to many football games?

They prefer cricket matches.

What do you call a dentist in the army?

A drill sergeant!

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office. “Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.

“I'm having a baby,” she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.”

“Is it a good baby?”

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.”

Shocked and surprised, the little boy asks, “Then why did you eat him?”

What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness?

Very large ones.