Interviewer: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Candidate: "There was a relocation."

Interviewer: "You moved?"

Candidate: "No, my company did. They just didn’t tell me where to."

The day after his wife disappeared, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced policemen. "We are sorry Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the policemen.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Mr. Smith shouted.

The Policemen looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Police said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Third Mainland Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smith swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The policeman continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr Smith demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The policeman said, "We are going to bring her out again tomorrow."

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning...

So I don't go to work that day for no reason.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof. Tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg. Then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?"

"She is playing on the roof."