I accidentally put eye drops in my ear...

Now I can literally see what you’re saying!

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid, "Is that a smart choice to make with your money?"

Now I'm wishing she would follow me around the store, too.

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.

ME: *pulls into rest stop*

DAUGHTER: Thanks.

ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.

DAUGHTER: I will.

ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.

DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.

ME: Exactly.

What do you call a pan of wiggling cinnamon rolls?

Abundance!