Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know," Johnny said, "and look what you got!"

I've often been asked, "What do you do now that you're retired?"

"Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.