Santa Claus has the right idea...

Visit people only once a year.

If swimming is so good for your figure...

How do you explain whales?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down...

In which you fill in a form by filling it out...

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy, and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No dear, they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"