Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.

A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.

"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.

"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."

On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday."

Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes!

A customer at a restaurant summoned the waiter and said angrily, “Look at the size of this piece of beef. Last evening, I received a piece more than twice its size!”

“Where did you sit?” asked the waiter.

“By the window. Why does that matter?”

“Well, that explains it. We always serve larger portions to customers sitting by the window. It’s good advertising.”